


tumblr's little eating disorder

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27244552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Patton only downloads Tumblr when he's.. really sad.Patton only downloads Tumblr when he relapses in his eating disorder.(Patton just downloaded Tumblr.)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	tumblr's little eating disorder

**Author's Note:**

> TWs: ED TUMBLR SLANG (WORS LIKE MEANSPO, SWEETSPO, AND UGW)
> 
> lmk if there's anymore <3!!

**_my bestfriend ana whispered in my ear_ **

It was tempting, to give into those thoughts. 

The ones that tell Patton he shouldn't eat, he doesn't deserve to eat, he's so selfish and ungrateful, everyone hates him and can only pity him so much before the leave because he'll get so unbearably fat nobody could stand to be around him. 

Patton knew he shouldn't fall into that hole again, that downwards spiral to the bottom, that nasty cycle, that disorder.

That eating disorder.

He'd gotten better, really, he had! 

For a while, at least.. 

Or, maybe he never really did. 

He thinks back to all those nights he'd still restrict, he'd still avoid eating whenever possible and if anyone noticed he'd blame it on his forgetfulness or that he didn't realize what time it was, when in reality he knew dang well what time it was and what exactly he was doing.

He'd tried to get help, really, he did, but.. what would his famILY think of him then? 

If he couldn't feed himself, how could he be a fatherly figure?

If he couldn't support himself, how could he support anyone else?

If he disregarded his own health, how could he maintain his famILY's? 

If he was so disappointed in himself, how could he be proud of his kiddos? 

If he was so disgusting, would his kiddos even care about him anymore?

Did they even care in the first place?

They probably hated him, still hate him, they're just pretending to be nice, to like him, out of pity, probably.

They don't care about him. 

They never noticed when he didn't eat, or those nights he'd spent throwing up because he ate and was disgusted with himself.

They never cared to notice, they don't care.

Patton just wants someone to care, even if he doesn't deserve it.

**_the words i wanted to hear, "my dear"_ **

So Patton would make them care about him.

But, how could he do that?

He didn't have a clue, not until the voice whispered, ' _you just need to be skinny. likeable. not so ugly, because they'll only hate you. nobody could love you as you are now, but i'm sure you know that. i can help you_.'

The voice could be so mean at times, and despite all it says being true, it still hurt Patton. 

He's just too sensitive, overreacting, overdramatic, too emotional.

Other times, the voice could be almost nice, encouraging. 

His favorite type of sentence from the voice was, ' _c'mon, just a few more hours, just a few more days, a few more skipped meals, and you'll be perfect, you'll be likeable. you can do it, honey, i believe in you, patton._ ' 

He liked the praise, he liked the patience the voice had in those moments, he liked the encouragement, he liked the voice.

He'd soon come to learn, as his time on ED Tumblr progressed, that that was called 'sweetspo', while the majority of what the voice usually said was considered 'meanspo'.

Sometimes, the voice was gone, so he'd have to read other people's meanspo or sweetspo, whatever could help him that day.

By now, he has quite a few saved up on his phone.

**_just shut your mouth, stand tall_ **

Sometimes the voice would give him specific instructions on how or what to do in a situation.

It's so Patton can try to be more likeable, while already trying to lose weight and get that ultimate goal.

Oh!

Also, while on Tumblr, he'd found out about UGW's ( _Ultimate Goal Weight_ ).

He didn't really know what he was, or if he even had one, but the voice never said so.. 

His only goal was to be skinny enough to be likable, he just wanted to be likeable. 

To be bearable was enough, even.

**_don't let it break you_ **

Patton sometimes got sad at what he was doing, what the voice told him to do, why he's doing it in the first place, why there even is a voice? 

But, he couldn't let it get him down!

If he did, his famILY would notice, or at least, they might, and that would just put unnecessary burden on them.

They already hang out with him because of pity, Patton doesn't need to bring them down more than he already does.

He's so ungrateful, so what if it's just fricking pity? 

He should be grateful they're even here in the first place.

They don't have to be.

In fact, they should've left him alone a long time ago.

But they didn't, and Patton won't let himself be ungrateful for it any longer.

**_her smile grew, as she said_ **

Over the next couple days, the others got gifts from Patton.

They thought it was just normal Patton, being so pure and to nice for his own good.

The mood around the mindspace shifted a small bit, however, and there was just a little more happy energy than usual.

Patton was doing his best to make everyday great for each of the sides.

( _Except himself, but, he doesn't really deserve to be happy, does he?_ ) 

Every second with Patton seemed uplifting, and the side would turn away with a smile on their face.

Patron was doing good, he's doing such a good job.

He's been busying himself with surprises and or gifts for the others, or planning actives with them, or accompanying Roman as his quests in the Imagination, or listing to Virgil's PG-13 music while cuddling, or having Logan ramble on about things that's he's been interested in recently.

Busying himself so much, that.. he doesn't have time to eat. 

And because he's keeping all the sides busy with fun things, none of them would even notice or consider the possibility that something was amiss. 

**_"once on your lips, is forever on your hips,"_ **

Patton's helped his famILY overcome lots of things.

He's helped Roman with his insecurities, because a dashing prince as gorgeous as himself shouldn't doubt his appearance so often, and because Patton ( _along with everyone else_ ) loves and cares about him and would never want him hurt. 

He's helped Logan see that his emotions are okay, that emotions aren't something to be ashamed of, in fact, you should embrace emotion! 

Someone as smart as Logan shouldn't be afraid of showing feeling, shouldn't think of it as a weakness ( _Patton's existence is weak to Logan and everyone else_ ), and Patton helped him see that!

He's helped Virgil with his panic attacks, and with his fear of turning back to the 'dark side' ( _which Patton made, Patton's so terrible and wicked, he doesn't deserve to eat or to feel good, what a failure of a moral side, of a side on general_ ), by reassuring him that the whole spiltting up the sides was a huge mistake on Patton's part, and that it'd never ever happen again and even if Virgil chose to live with them they'd always love him and they'd definitely visit.

The only side Patton couldn't, wouldn't help? 

Himself.

**_my best friend ana, shouting in my ear_ **

It's too much, it's too much, please stop- the voice is too loud, it's too loud, too repetitive, too loud- 

If he'd just listened, if he'd just followed orders, if he'd just obeyed, none of this would've happened, none of this would be happening, it's all his fault, all he had to do was not binge, not disappoint he myself and the voice, but what did he do?! 

What did his fricking fatass fucking do?! 

HE FUCKING BINGED. 

He fucking binged.

All his progress, all his good work, all the ignored stomach pains, all the vomit he'd puke up after the times he did eat, all the calorie counting, all the workouts he'd literally passed out from, all the times his vision for spotty and his world shook, all of his fucking effort and hard fucking work, GONE! 

He binged once, just this once, and look how far it set him back.

Fuck, he's such a disappointment! 

Why didn't he just fucking listen?!

It's not that fucking hard, dumbass!

Why couldn't he have just obeyed?!

Why does he have to ruin everything?!

**_"no, don't you worry, we're all sinster here."_ **

His sobs were so loud, so violent, that obviously someone would notice.

But, Patton wasn't paying attention.

It's not like he even can, apparently.

Such a fucking disappointment, fucking fatass loser. 

He felt a little bit bad for cussing, even in his head, even in this state, but he didn't stop.

Swearing felt right, at this moment.

Maybe now he sees the appeal, and why Virgil does it so often.

It feels.. not good, but it helps a little? 

He doesn't freaking know..

He never knows, never has, never will.

Patton's just a fucking idiot.

That's all he is, all he'll ever be.

Why's he so fucking vile?! 

He's the fatherly side, he shouldn't be fucking cussing like a fucking moron! 

Fuck, fuck, fuck, but he can't breathe- 

The voice is gone, where'd it go, fuck, did it leave him too? 

Is he too fucking pointless and unbearable to reason with that even the voice, the one who wanted to help him, left him alone? 

Wait, there was another voice, not his voice though, not the one that wanted to help him.

Instead, it was.. someone's, he couldn't tell, not between his sobs and heavy breathes.

Whoever it was was knocking, no, _pounding_ , on his door. 

Why? 

Why won't they just leave him alone?

Do they want to see him suffer?

To see him cry, and be miserable?

Fuck, they hate him that much?

Obviously.

Obviously, they do.

Who, knowing Patton, wouldn't?

**_i know i see what you see_ **

Patton crawled away from the door, and he just layed on his stomach ( _fat, too fucking fat_ ) and cried.

If they wanted to see him like this, fine.

He'd listen.

He'd obey.

This time, for once.

Unlike how he disobeyed and went against the voice, and fucking binged like the pig he is.

That thought just ripped another sob for his pathetic mouth.

His mouth that ate too much, that binged today, that was forced to throw up food every time it was consumed, that was so used to staying silent and shut and that only talked when the voice said so, that disobeyed the voice.

The side came rushing in, and immediately got down to Patton's side. 

They were saying something, but Patton couldn't hear. 

Their voice sounded warped, garbled, strange, weird.

Like they're talking underwater, almost, but.. corrupted? 

Patton's doesn't fucking know, but then again, when has he ever?

**_starvation will never break me_ **

Patton isn't broken.

Patton isn't..

Patton's okay.

He's doing okay.

He's doing fine.

He's not struggling.

He doesn't have an eating disorder.

He doesn't have issues.

He doesn't have a problem.

He think his famILY loves him, and they do.

Now, if only these were true..

But, obviously, they aren't.

Patton's beyond broken. 

When somethings broken, it can be fixed. 

But Patton? 

Patton feels like he can never be fixed, or saved.

Patton hasn't been okay for a long time.

Patron hasn't been fine for a long time.

Patton's.. most definitely struggling.

Patton.. his eating disordered, but he doesn't have an eating disorder.

He has issues.

He has problems.

Patton's so fucking broken, and he has been for some time now.

**_because once on your lips_ **

When Patton woke up, there were sides all around him.

Roman in one corner of his room, sleeping on a red beanbag with a little yellow crown pattern on it.

Logan at his left, slumping over another beanbag, this one with stars on it, Patton's notebook to count calories and to plan out meals or how he'd puke them up and when is the best times to do so as other warped things is sitting on the ground next to him.

Virgil was sitting on his own beanbag, dark purple with a stormcloud and one lighting bolt coming out of it, and Virgil was holding his right hand.

Once Patton opened his eyes, he remembered what happen yesterday. 

He wondered, almost distantly, who was that at his door? 

Who found him like that?

.. and wait- why are they all here right now if they all hate him?

Extra pity-points? 

Patton doesn't know ( _which, honestly, is becoming such a recurring theme in this that it's almost annoying_ ). 

Virgil stirs, he probably wasn't sleeping too well after that.. poor kiddo, he was probably so worried!

Why would he even be worried though, dumbass? 

Because he doesn't care for you, or even about you.

Virgil jolts up as his eyes meet Patton's. 

"Pat?" He asks, shock and relief so painfully evident the way his voice sounds. 

"Holy fuck, Pat, I was so fucking scared-" 

Patton doesn't bother to correct him on his language, he'd be quite the hypocrite, considering the effects of last night.

"You were?" Patton asks, just noticing how Virgil said he was scared. 

Scared for Patton? 

But.. Virgil doesn't care about Patton.. does he?

"Yes, obviously! Oh god, I'm so sorry I couldn't help you calm down, fuck Pat, goddammit-!"

Virgil cuts himself off, it seems like he has too much to say but doesn't know how to actually voice any of it.

Virgil seems to realize something, because his eyes go wide ( _wider than they already were_ ) and he looks sad, or maybe worried, or is that sympathy? 

He squeezes Patton's hand and wonders, _'how could we have let him feel like this? Like the only way we'd love him was if he'd 'fix himself'.. but, there was nothing to fix in the first place, and we do already love him!'_

But how he was gonna make Patton see that, he didn't know yet.

Once the other woke up, they'd talk some sense into their dear fatherly figure. 

They'd work this out together, they'd get through this together.

They'd help Patton get better, together.

While Virgil was thinking, Patton was already planning new ways to avoid eating, to continue to fix himself, because if Virgil's worried now, he's doing something right.

Patton can finally do something right.

**_is forever on your hips_ **

**Author's Note:**

> woah ok not where i intended or even remotely close to what i intended but yk.. it's alright 
> 
> also yeahh patty angst anyone? ;)
> 
> the song is My Bestfriend Ana by Daisy Phillips


End file.
